That's Not All I Have To Say About It!

By
David A. Berresford

This series of articles is designed to help the reader reflect upon who they are as a person, why they are who they are,

and how their personality impacts upon their relationship to others.

In the last article, This Is What I Have to Say About It, (See Archives) we examined the manner in which we define our world through language and noted that language is an expression of our frame of reference. We particularly noted the importance of context in effective communication and we saw the need to define terms in order to avoid miscommunication.

If we permit the deconstructionist to deconstruct verbal or written communication for the purpose of reconstructing the conversation to fit a preconceived agenda we relegate conversation to the ever changing feelings of that individual. The deconstructionist technique renders it impossible to ever determine a consistent definition of terms. Definitions become as plastic as that individual’s own preference. Words and their definitions, and ultimately “truth,” simply become expressions of “What makes me feel good? What solves my problems? What is appealing to me?” When every individual or group is permitted to reconstruct language to fit their personal desires the result is chaos.

Only when sound hermeneutics are applied to verbal and written communication can successful communication be effected. Hermeneutics is simply the science of language interpretation and indicates that words make sense and that they can be understood and can communicate the message the author/speaker wants to convey. There is a consistent foundation from which to communicate and the result is order.

For example: “I went to the barbershop yesterday and got a haircut. It cost me $20 and the barber did a good job. When I got home my wife said my hair looked good.”

The reader should have no difficulty in understanding what the author is conveying. “Barbershop,” “$20,” “home,” and “wife” all have meaning for the reader. The message is more than clear. The reader may think $20 is too much to spend or a real bargain but nevertheless, he/she knows what the author paid to have the hair on his head trimmed. However, the deconstructionist could take the same short paragraph and turn it into a discussion about fuel economy in traveling to the barber’s; doing so at the expense of the author’s intended message.

Communication is also expressed in demeanor. The attitude of the author is sometimes difficult to interpret. We have to take those words at face value. Face value becomes a different issue when it comes to personal conversation. An individual not only coveys a message with every word they say, but they convey a message by their facial expressions and body language (non verbal language). To be an effective communicator we must know how to interpret the body language of the person with whom we are speaking. We must also express a positive attitude by our own body language and facial expressions. An individual who says with their voice, “Yes, I understand what you’re saying,” but has a perplexed look on their face probably doesn’t understand at all. A person who says, “I agree,” with their words and is unconsciously slightly shaking their head, “No,” probably doesn’t really agree with you.

Verbal inflection and tone is also significant in verbal conversation. The words, “I love you too,” can be said with tenderness, sarcasm, indifference, or mockery. The tone conveys much more than the words. Even the subtle rising in inflection at the end of a sentence can convey query as opposed to declaration. The speaker often requires clarification or reassurance.

Perhaps the most important factor in effective communication is genuinely caring about what the other person is saying and responding to them. Henry Kissinger was considered an excellent conversationalist although he said little. What made him effective? Kissinger spent most of the time listening to the other person. When he did speak, most of what he said was in response to the other person, specifically, to their words.

In the next article we will begin to examine how your personality type affects your relationship to other people.