Mom Always Did Like You Best

By
David A. Berresford

In the 1960’s Tommy Smothers made the line, “Mom always liked you best,” famous in a comedy bit with his brother, Dick. The line was such a hit that it became the title of a Smothers Brothers album in 1965. One of the reasons for the popularity of this comment is probably rooted in the fact that almost every child with a sibling has thought that his parents favored his brother or sister.

The parental responsibility when a child brings this concern to them is more serious than many parents recognize. I’ve known parents who have responded to a child’s concern about parental favoritism with comments like, “Don’t be stupid, you know we love you,” or, “Don’t be jealous of your sister,” or, “Your brother loves you so quit acting this way.” Obviously, this attitude does nothing to alleviate the child’s concern and can be devastating to their self-esteem. It rates with a comment I heard a mother make at a family gathering; a comment that was directed to and in the presence of her adult daughter. I paraphrase for affect and to help the reader understand the humorless statement made at the time. “I tried to give the little loser self-esteem but it just didn’t take.”

Parents must take seriously their children’s apprehension over their place and importance in the family. Reassuring words and actions will do much to alleviate these childhood concerns. A mocking response or indifference on the part of the parent will only exacerbate the problem and the perception can be carried into adulthood.

Having a different relationship with each child is not necessarily a practice of favoritism. Even when siblings have the same biological parents and essentially the same genetic make-up, and have been raised in the same environment, they still have unique personalities and interests. These personalities affect the child/parent relationship but the different relationship is not automatically a reflection of any favoritism. One child may prefer to play in the yard while another would rather be read to. One child may be an introvert in a household of extroverts or the converse of this. The key is to not favor one at the expense of the other.

Unfortunately, some parental favoritism is real and creates a dysfunctional family environment. Such favoritism is detrimental to the non favored and highly favored child and this family dynamic will carry over into future adult relationships both within and outside of the family.

In the next article we will examine some of the specific short-term and long-term problems created by parental favoritism.