"Mom Always Did Like You Best" - Part III

by
David A. Berresford

In the previous two articles (See Archives) we looked at the reality of and some of the results of parental favoritism. In this article we will examine some of the possible causes for this favoritism.

One sibling has special needs: It's important to keep in mind that parental favoritism is only problematic when there are consistent and arbitrary differences in treatment. In cases where favoritism is unavoidable (e.g., with newborns, needier children), parents who explain its necessity to the other children can usually offset any negative consequences.

A biological child over a stepchild: It is natural for a parent to show some partiality toward a biological child over a step child. It is important, however, for the step parent to assure the step child of the child’s value in that parent’s life and their importance to the family unit. Being partial toward a biological child should not result in a Cinderella treatment of the step child.

Gender bias: A child can be given preferential treatment based purely on gender. "He's our only son so naturally we are particularly proud and supportive of him," and “We have three boys but our daughter is our little princess,” are not uncommon realities in some homes. This type of favoritism can result in future problems with gender roles and stereotypes in both the favored and unfavored children.

Birth order: Treating children differently based on birth order is fair in some areas. For example, a later bed-time for the older sibling is reasonable. Placing undue responsibility on the older child, however, is not reasonable. “You’re older and you should know better,” may be true but should not be used as a club to beat the older child into submission. The ‘baby’ of the family is sometimes favored because he/she is the last born and the last to be born. Here the youngest child gets privileged treatment for being the recipient of the final parenting that the parents have to give. Some parents over compensate on behalf of the eldest. The oldest child, who enjoyed total family attention and investment as an only child until subsequent siblings came along, now receives compensatory parental treatment for being dethroned. "We try to make it up to him for the special position he has lost."

The similar child: This is child who is most similar to parents in valued ways - holding values, practicing habits, and following a path that is much like their own. "We have always had the most in common with our daughter. How she leads her life is so much like how we lead ours." Each child, however, should be valued in their uniqueness.

The achiever: There is the high performing or star child who receives a disproportionate amount of parental approval, attention, and sacrifice for performing so well. "We dedicate more time and resources to him because he gives us so much in return." Parents can be caught up in living vicariously through this high performer, a practice that is not in the best interests of the child or the parent. Parents should remember that each child has his/her gifts and abilities and each should be appreciated and encouraged in those abilities.

Love child versus legitimate child: A child who was fathered by a lost love or a desired love outside the marriage may be favored by a mother as that child is representative of that child’s father. This situation not only puts stress on the marriage, whether the husband is aware of it or not, it causes a dysfunctional relationship with the other children from the marriage. In a similar vein, a child may be despised because that child reminds the parent of a despised ex-spouse. Parents should remember that even if a child is a reminder of an unsuccessful marriage that child is unique apart from their similarities to a parent. That child is biologically as much a part of one parent as the other and should be loved by both parents.

Childhood issues of the parent: Finally, a parent may carry over prejudices from their childhood into their marriage and parenting. For example, if an individual is an unfavored oldest child and the youngest was favored when they were growing up, they may overcompensate in their own parenting by favoring the eldest. As in the case of child abuse, the cycle must stop.

As was mentioned in the previous article, “If it is wrong to show favoritism in the church as James clearly notes in James 2, is it not equally wrong to show favoritism in the home? ‘My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don’t show favoritism.’(James 2:1)”